You Can’t Change These Things In Your Partner

Love can move people to do things they never thought possible: Who among us ever believed they’d find someone worthy of sharing an order of fries? That’s the power of love, people.

As powerful as being in a relationship can be, there are some things that even love can’t change — namely who your partner is at his or her core. Below, experts weigh in with nine things you can’t change, as hard as you may try.

1. Her relationship with her family. 
You know that saying, “You don’t just marry a person; you marry his or her entire family”? It’s 100 percent true, said Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University and the author of 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage

2. Whether he’s an extrovert or an introvert.

Opposites attract, but only up to a point: Somewhere down the line, you may wish your introverted partner was a little less inclined to stay in for yet another night of Netflix — and he very well might wish you’d reign in your social butterfly ways. People who marry across extrovert/introvert divide will have to accept their partner’s needs for social interaction, or, conversely, for time alone to recharge.

3. Her hobbies. 
When work or family life gets stressful, hobbies and pastimes are what keep us going. Don’t bother trying to change your partner’s favorite activities, said relationship coach and writer Chris Armstrong. Individuality is important — we lose ourselves and lose control if hobbies are lost.

4. His anger issues. 
Many of us go into relationships believing we can change or fix things we don’t like about our partners. If the the trait in question is your partner’s anger issues, holding on to that belief can be downright dangerous.Beware of a person who has a bad temper, who seems to get angry over nothing and, in particular, a person whose anger seems out of proportion to the situation. This is one personality characteristic that is almost impossible to change.”

5. Her religious beliefs. 
While it’s certainly not always the case, having an interfaith relationship when you’re both deeply religious may prove problematic, Rodman said. Much of the time, the problems doesn’t arise until much later in the relationship, when a couple decides to have kids.

6. His need for alone time.
You want to spend every waking moment with him, but he needs his space. You might read the request as hurtful, but consider the silver lining: Time apart often keeps a relationship fresh while ensuring that you both maintain your individuality, said Armstrong.

7. Her need to plan every last detail. 
You meticulously plan every last detail of your life, from when you’re taking your next holiday to when you want to have baby #1. Meanwhile, he’s a take-life-as-it-comes type. The divide may be endearing at first — you complement each other so well! — but eventually, it might become problematic . In any case, you’re not likely to change each other’s way of thinking, said clinical psychologist Jill Weber.

8. His thoughts on having kids.
If someone you’re seeing tells you in a straightforward way their true feelings on having kids, trust them. Moving forward with a relationship in the hopes that they’ll change their mind once you’re married or otherwise committed is a very risky gamble, said Armstrong.

9. Her sense of humor. 
Whether or not you both crack up at Louis CK’s potty jokes may seem too minor to make this list, but having a similar sense of humor is more important than you realise.
Sense of humour is a strong indicator of compatibility. If you laugh at the same things, you are likely to see the world in similar ways. But there’s an even more important reason to take a careful look at your partner’s sense of humour: You will be stuck with it for many, many years. If his idea of high humour involves practical jokes and yours doesn’t, rest assured that you will not find the hand buzzer or the whoopee cushion more hilarious fifty years from now.

 

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2 thoughts on “You Can’t Change These Things In Your Partner”

  1. This is an incredibly truthful article. I think it points to some of the cores of human behaviour – those cores that make us who we are, that make us authentic. I will always struggle with number 1 as my views with my partner are very contrasting. I suppose it is a matter of acceptance.

  2. Good points. 🙂 Just one thought.. I think these “4. anger issues” are possible to change though. As far as they are “triggered” by the fears that the one is having.

    When one is acting by his/her fears, it’s usually hard for him/her to control the feelings that appears. Then the person can be really angry in some situations (for example: think about how jealous some people are and how they might act = They are just scared about losing the one they love).

    These kind of fears might come from the previous relationships: (if one got cheated by the ex.). But I think, these fears/angers is possible to change just by gaining & building the trust into relationships. By accepting his/her & even own fears, you are getting familiar with the fears, and then they aren’t going to trigger the angry again.

    That’s how I think the anger issues are not personality characteristic, and are possible to change.

    Anger belongs to our lifes as much as love does. 😉

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